What the fuck even is this? Oh right: I forgot to brush my teeth last night, and now the world tastes terrible. Thankfully there’s a quick and dependable fix. But wait… how could I have forgotten something so routine? Am I losing it?
I am not. I’m just a person in the world, a perimenopausal person (to put a finer point on it), having an extraordinary WTF on an ordinary morning. My friends and I have had a tough time lately, what with the world being how it is. Guessing you can relate? Maybe, like a lot of us seeking escape from the chaos, you’ve nudged yourself even further toward things like Xanax and breakfast chocolate and I don’t know… erotic thrillers of the 80s and 90s, the ones where bad girls do bad things and come out on top? It’s easy to root for those dirty bitches. They are masters of chaos control, a superpower that women have never had and could badly use, especially right now. Whatever happens to the world happens to women even more.
I don’t want to control chaos, just reduce its power as much as possible. Global discombobulation has a strong flavor. At night I pretend I’m cleaning it out of my mouth, scrubbing and sluicing my flavor portals until things feel, if not completely clean, then at least a bit fresher. As I brush I enter a state of deep contemplation, and cultivate gratitude for literally everything. Clarity can arrive unexpectedly when I’m brushing. Solutions can start to speak up, or at least whisper a little. Sometimes it works, and when I’m done I can taste a soft peace that soothes my mouth and settles my anxious gut. Sometimes it doesn’t, and the night is sour and mean.
But that could be just another symptom of middle age. In less than a month I’ll turn 50, the first truly unfathomable number. It feels strange, almost sacrilegious, to celebrate during days of horror, despair and world change. Yet I want to acknowledge what I know: my strengths, weaknesses, laser rays and leaden shadows. I know the shape of my limits, and I’ve surpassed some of them, and I want to do that more often. I know that good health is a series of dedicated habits, like toothbrushing. Like love. Learning love is a privilege that I’ve never taken for granted. There are lessons that have come easy, and some that nearly broke me. I try not to compare their numbers.
But here is the edge of the blade, the truth of the truth: I never thought I’d make it this far. That alone is worth something. There’s a treasure map in here somewhere, but I don’t know what it looks like yet. Maybe I’ll go brush my teeth about it.
I needed to read this this morning. I’m on the other side of 60, and while I feel healthy most of the time, I also feel a sense of urgency I haven’t known before.
Why is it ALWAYS the gums and teeth that go first??
And WHO was the evil person who decided that dental and vision should not be included in our regular health insurance plans???
When I turned 50, it was 4 months shy of the pandemic and everything still seemed possible... the thing is, everything still is.
What's that saying? "When you look around and everything seems dark, check yourself... for you are the light."
I'm probably getting it wrong... but it's something like that. Tag... you're it! xo