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The ones that played behind me onstage, crouching inside the chamber of my music, attuned to my signal to step forward or fall back. The ones who stood beside me, watching my body not for sex but for rhythm, timing and energy, so they could follow my lead in the song and make it better. The ones who stood apart and slightly in front, eyes on the crowd, preening and cynical, always extending their solos for an extra bullshit measure. The ones who sat shoulder to shoulder with me in the recording studio as we listened to mixes of my songs, waiting for my instructions to adjust volume levels and vocal effects. The ones who said they would follow my instructions but overrode every single choice I made in the final mixes. The ones who worked diligently with me to co-create the best possible version of each song. The ones who thanked me afterward for teaching them something valuable about mixing vocals, and asked to work with me again.
I learned about leading men from playing and recording music in spaces that they dominated. I was a lead singer and guitar player in my own bands, wearing jeans and a tank top and doing hard songs in my soft voice. Sometimes I was a backup singer in someone else’s band, wearing a black dress and shaking a tambourine so well that I could make a crowd stop drinking and dance. Often I would be hired to sing backup on records made by all-male bands in recording studios run by all-male staff. Or brought onstage for a song by all-male band to give them some extra pull with the mostly-male crowd.
In my adjacent career as a Power Voice coach for career women, I’ve been in over 200 workplaces and observed women leaders in many different sectors and industries, some of which, like tech, law, finance and construction, are heavily male-dominated.
Each workplace has its own unique challenges for women to overcome. But as a woman in a male-dominated space there is always your body, isn’t there: the body of a woman that is showing up, demanding attention and respect. As a female leader you will most likely be sexually objectified. Engaging with that dynamic may or may not help you as you climb up in your career, but I advise you not to employ it as a long-term strategy. In any case, I don’t say these things to discourage you. I am only pointing out a fact you’ll have to come to terms with in your own way.
Women don’t get any societal or cultural encouragement to lead men, especially in sectors and industries that are historically male-dominated. But if we’re going to achieve political, social, and economic parity we’re going to have to do it anyway. That’s not to say that we should conform to the dictates of toxic workplaces, or adopt old leadership skills and styles that maintain toxicity in the name of staying on top. We don’t need to do what was done before. We need new, woman-created environments where egalitarianism is the primary mandate and everyone, regardless of gender, feels respected in ways both material and cultural. In order for those spaces to grow and thrive women need to get comfortable, way more comfortable than we are now, with leading men. I’m writing this piece to give you some insights that you may find helpful as you go forward into new spaces where you are in a leadership role.
At this stage of my life I find binaries to be ridiculous, and I don’t believe that there are only “good men” and “bad men”. Men, like all of us, exist on a spectrum. But I will tell you, woman to woman, that there are some men who are simply unleadable, at least by you.
When you are hiring male staff members, observe carefully, and always trust your gut when it comes to safety. If someone feels unsafe, turn them away. Always. Ask all potential candidates open-ended questions about their work history, their values, and their hopes for the future of their career. Allow them plenty of time to answer. Listen for false humility, and/or genuine hubris, and take note of how (or if) they describe any weaknesses. Use your bullshit meter, and check it against those of other (trusted) people that you bring into the room with you.
Friendly reminder that, at least at this stage of the game, you are not there to make friends. You are seeking strong, supportive pillars that understand your mission and values, and can augment those things with their contributions in an impactful way. Hopefully the candidates will also ask you some good questions of their own, and listen carefully to your answers without attempting to interrupt/hijack/co-opt your responses. Remember that some men will try to charm/flatter/seduce you simply because you are a woman sitting in front of them. Don’t be fooled. Thank them politely and send them on their way.
The men you’ve decided to hire should aspire to impress you. At least at first, they should listen more than they speak. Pay attention to their words, and watch out for condescension, which is especially rampant in sectors where women are the minority. But don’t forget body language. Especially when you are expressing your opinion and/or giving them a directive to follow, look closely for signals of contempt, disdain and ridicule (and by the way, these are epidemic in toxic workplaces among people of all genders). Call out that behavior, and be clear about your expectations for respectful dialogue going forward. If they ignore you and try to involve their peers in service of actively deriding and/or sabotaging your opinion, get rid of them ASAP. You want to work with men who can build careful, considered consensus around ideas that authentically elevate whatever project you are leading. You also want men who can actively disagree with your opinion, but commit fully once your decision has been made.
You want to work with men who ask good questions and make good suggestions in a respectful way. But they must also have a willingness to actively support another vision, a woman’s vision, over theirs. Many men receive societal conditioning around masculinity that can prevent them from showing up in that way in any space, let alone one led by a woman. Some of the men you hire may start out feeling fine about your leadership, but without an understanding of, and commitment to overcoming, their own internalized sexism, they may come to resent you. This resentment might cause some of them to become stealthy but dangerous saboteurs, who would rather bring down the whole ship than follow its captain’s orders. In that case you’ll need to be quick and ruthless with their walking papers. Some of the resenters will be less direct, and will just do shoddy work in the hopes that you’ll fire them (you can and should!).
So you’ll have to find your handful of rough diamonds. You’re looking for men who are skilled and collaborative, and also capable of celebrating ideas that are not their own. They should give you credit where credit is due, without manipulative flattery. They should always bring their best work to your vision, and also recognize that their current best might not be quite enough, in which case they should be willing to onboard new skills and knowledge without resentment.
Being with the men you’ve chosen to work with should feel like a compelling challenge, not a grueling struggle. There will be plenty of struggles on your path to success. As a leader, pushing on your own personal growth edge will sometimes be painful. That’s why you need a strong foundation of support as you continue forward. Keep in mind that a woman in a leadership position is always under extra scrutiny by the world, just for daring to exist in that role, a double-standard that the men who work for you should be aware of and respect. That’s mostly a matter of attitude, although there will be times when it can take the form of action, especially if someone (i.e. another male) is actively disrespecting your authority in high-stakes environments. In those cases it can be helpful for a man on your team to step in and remind the disrespecter that you have the final word in all decision making. It can send a powerful signal that can make all the difference.
Once you find these men, treat them like gold and work with them forever. But before any of that happens, ask yourself: am I a leader of men?
I tell you now: the answer is YES.